That is the puzzle I've been trying to solve for most of the year...why is it that the people who are in the most torture, have everything in the world? Or is loved by everyone around them? Why are they so lonely, even though they are surrounded by many who simply adore them?

I shall share my theory, it is that they do not have those that they can run to, they do not have those close enough to understand their most complex feelings and it is tearing them up inside.

--
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world,"--Gandhi

Yes, I do agree, I have to put this up since it keeps haunting me >.<

i do love this.

being on a pedestal is hard. not only are you afraid of falling...but you also have the possibility of dissapointing those who put you up there to contend with.

very well written

--
Ceade mile failte

Come away! O, human child!
To the woods and waters wild,
With a fairy hand in hand,
For the world's more full of weeping than
you can understand-W.B. Yeats :geekflirt:

I would say that I can relate to some of these feelings, but I don't think that's the sort of response you're looking for. So I'll just say that I really like what you've written here, and I am going to favorite it.

I wasn't really looking for a response of any sort. I don't expect people to know how I feel...because they are they and I am I...it is impossible to be able to empathize.

Thank you for the favorite and the time to write a comment. It is appreciated.

--
All my powers of expression
And thoughts so sublime
Could never do you justice
In reason or rhyme

*Writers-Club

Well, it's more about knowing what makes you "special" is what also makes you "dangerous"...

The falling from grace is the secondary point...but it's really about personal flaws that you can't hide forever and how they are the direct reason for the downfall.

I find the reason for this is when you care more about pleasing people you love more than pleasing yourself. You can't have it both ways...

Thank you.

--
All my powers of expression
And thoughts so sublime
Could never do you justice
In reason or rhyme

*Writers-Club

I don't know if they are really complex feelings. I think it's just more like they see flaws in themselves that they know will eventually let the people down who lionized them in the first place.

Personally, I've had a pretty good life. Then again, I've had a pretty crap life. I've never had to go without. I've always had a wonderful Father. I was always fawned and pawed at by my family and teachers for being intelligent.

Then on the flip side...well, if you really want to know about that I'll tell you about it in a note. But I've never really had a loving relationship in my life with anyone. I've had girlfriends before...but it wasn't really a loving relationship...at least not on their part.

I think in the end most of the torture comes down to everyone telling you how great you are when inside you know you are a complete failure and disappointment...and it's only a matter of time before they figure it out too.

--
All my powers of expression
And thoughts so sublime
Could never do you justice
In reason or rhyme

*Writers-Club

Maybe you are a bit too modest, for I don't think of you as a failure, but you say that many people say that, but I feel the same way too. Just because you've had bad love relationships, doesn't make you a failure either, I've had a lot of bad times with boyfriends and even normal friends, sometimes I feel like it is me who makes these relationships last so shortly, that I was never meant to have this, but I'm human and I'm allowed to have many oppurtunities, I just need to find the right one, and you're probably still searching like I am.

--
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world,"--Gandhi

Yes, I do agree, I have to put this up since it keeps haunting me >.<

Oh no...I don't think I'm modest at all. I am, however, realistic (for better or/and worse). I am so self-aware that it is borderline frightening. I didn't mean to lead you to believe that I base my verdict of being a failure solely on sour relationships...quite the contrary...that's just the cherry atop the sundae for me (and I HATE cherries too by the way). I apologize in advance for the story of my life...

I'm a failure because I'm wasted potential. I have/had great potential to do something in school...my teachers were all aware of what I could do if I really wanted to...but I didn't live up to what I could have done. I didn't want to. I was easily bored and annoyed because I felt I personally wasn't being taught anything I didn't already know...which was a sad fact. Frankly, everything I was "taught" in school were things my Father had taught me already years before or things I had already taught myself through constant reading. I was FAR ahead of the pack and when you combine that with the need to be accepted and loved by your peers that resulted in me spending the time I should have been doing classwork on catering to anyone and everyone for the attention I needed. I'm sure you can argue and say "it's never too late to go to college" but in a way, it is too late. Money is and has always been a factor...I may be well off but I'm not financially secure. Not enough to afford the schools I want to attend...and financial aid doesn't help enough and I don't qualify for scholarships. Not to mention, I feel very indifferent whether I live or die from day to day so you can easily infer college is not a high priority to me. I don't see the need to continue with my life, so to speak, until I find a reason to...I have no reason to currently.

I was, to be kind, obese throughout my entire High School tenure...I had started gaining weight after I moved back to Florida which was around the time of late Elementary School (3rd Grade)...but by the time High School approached I had ballooned to nearly 300 pounds (I'm 195 as of Tuesday but I have been eating a lot lately because I've been depressed). I had gained weight because when my Mother had custody of me for a year and a half I was raped by my cousin and his friends multiple times almost daily (none of my Family knows about that)...in my mind I figured if I gained weight I wouldn't be desirable enough to be taken advantage of. Of course this backfired once I moved away from there and moved in with my Father because once I got here I WANTED to be desirable...but it was too late for the seeds were already planted in my brain. I developed my black humor and occasional self-deprecating nature in response to my weight and abuse...and in addition I developed my depression, self-loathing, eating disorders, self-consciousness and obsessive compulsive tendencies.

My life until after High School was loveless. During school I had deep and true feelings for a precious few but I never felt they were mutual feelings...and I never bothered to find out. I always figured it would be easier for me to never face rejection so I didn't bother to ask anyone out or tell them I liked them. It is easier for me to take the hurt of never knowing than it is to know my suspicions of inadequacy were validated. It also didn't help that I don't like being touched by people. I don't like hugs or a hand on the shoulder or anything...I don't feel comfortable with it...and if I don't feel comfortable with that you can safely conclude I don't feel comfortable with intimacy with someone I'm dating.

I don't really ever think I've had a friend in my entire life. I've had people who claimed to be my friend and whom I used to call friends...but I was either the butt of their jokes or feared by them...so I think I was seen less as a person and more as an object of fear or humor. I alienated myself from everyone and continue to do so to this day. I have nothing in common with anyone for the most part and I'm not able to really connect with anyone on an intellectual level. I've never met anyone who I knew was smarter than me and I think I long for that very much. I think I would fall head over heels in love if I ever did. I often tire of saying things no one understands...usually, I wonder whether the case is of me actually being smart or everyone else just being so stupid. Sometimes I wonder...

I have a very Christian family for the most part...I am not a religious person at all but I was raised as one so I know the Bible front to back and carry over the same values. I think some of my thoughts and past actions would be a complete letdown to my family if they knew. I'm not a very nice person...if most of my family knew how much of a mean-spirited and hateful person I am I'm sure they would be shocked into an early grave. And I'm not even going to get into the other private letdowns (once again, if you wish I could note you about that...if you really care) here on a public comment...let's just say I've said and done things that even I find shameful.

I know though that even love is not enough to fix me...I know, because I've been in love and for a time DID have mutual love. The fact of the matter is I've publicly failed numerous times...but I've privately failed even more so than that...and I often fear that someday the people I love will find that out...and that is the last thing I want.

I don't need my mistakes raked up...I know exactly what they are...

--
All my powers of expression
And thoughts so sublime
Could never do you justice
In reason or rhyme

*Writers-Club

I lost it...I apologize, while I was writing a comment back, a person who I live with thought of a really cruel joke and deleted the comment I was going to send...I felt it was really important and I wanted you to hear it...it's gone now...I can't remember what I want to say...words that I barely give out just broke...left from me and now I can't get them back...I can't say anything now...at least a reply to your comment...

After he did it, I was going to say one last thing in my lenghty comment, and that was that I felt rather insulted with the fact that you said that you thought I wouldn't care to hear more if you sent me a note...it seems you might have not met a lot of people who care but I'm what you call an "old soul"...I would love to hear a note from you, that is if you wish to give me one...

What I said in my first paragraph of this comment, was not a joke, and I hate that dA won't let us retrieve it back...if you decide to send me a note, I promise that I would have something better to say than this...I must be a major disappointment at the moment, but that's probably because I'm disappointed at myself for not keeping an eye on my computer and leaving it for only a few seconds...but that is exactly how you view yourself in a way, you think that people will see you a certain way, and you think it is how you are. If someone tells you a lie over and over again (the same lie), you'll begin to believe in it whether it is a lie or not. That is how I see that you view yourself. Based on lies, I still believe that you have the power to change it, but of course, that is your own decision.

Also, it is no shame to feel the want to be desired by others. It is a common human necessity, and that applies to all people. One might claim that they are happy alone, but what proof is that? An escape to hiding in your mind or being entranced by televisions because all of that are images of humans who you can't even touch still...I'm thinking of the book Farenheit 451, so pardon my alluding.

Well, will you look at that, I kind of ended up summarizing what I said in my deleted comment...although that was more in depth...I find this one to be rather obscured, I hope you see the point though...

--
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world,"--Gandhi

Yes, I do agree, I have to put this up since it keeps haunting me >.<